I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i would punch a child for taco bell
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
