She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have aggressive nipples.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
