I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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