Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Randomize
