I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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