Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
