My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
