You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My penis needs a shock collar
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
