Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
