Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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