ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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