M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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