I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
