felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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