He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
