My girlfriend figured out who you are.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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