i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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