i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
