My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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