I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
