we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
