I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
