My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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