Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
