Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
