You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
