im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
