Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
