3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
