Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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