I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
