Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
