i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
