I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
