My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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