You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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