Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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