Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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