"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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