I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
