roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
