I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
