My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
