we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
