I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
