Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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