Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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