Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
