i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
