He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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