Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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