swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
