I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
