Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
