So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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